i've wanted to be a firefighter since i was a kid but after being too puny and then two knee surgeries i knew this would never happen. the next best thing - designing and installing fire protection devices. while i don't have a degree in fire protection i am almost finished with my construction management degree. fire protection is such a limited field that there are only a few schools in the US that offer a the engineering degree.
i feel it is absolutely senseless for people to be injured or die in a fire when preventive measures are out there. they just need to be utilized and brought out into the public - affordably.  a good way to save lives and help out fire fighters in the process.

my sustaining story has been, and will be for a few years, that survival can be a long lasting event. as my anniversary date of surviving cancer approaches i am constantly reminded that my behavior and treatment towards other people need to continue throughout the rest of my life.
you can never give up. always do what you can to make your dreams happen. remember those who didn't give up on you and supported you. remember those that did - as it will be used to the best of your advantage to remind yourself you can do it.

i want to be remembered for being strong. for surving mental and physical illnesses throughout mylife. i want to be remembered for setting good examples for my son. for being someone who loved to laugh till i cried, my stomach cramped, and my cheeks hurt so bad i couldn't smile. for finding funny things in my faults and downfalls in life. for realizing and living the philosophy that laughter will get you through anything as long as you allow it to. for tripping over my words. my mistakes. my lessons. someone who isn't willing to give up.

I feel wealthy when I look back at my life and see how I am surrounded by friends, family, and loved ones. I look and see what impact I made on someone else's life. The positiveness that I have spread in other people's life is what makes me feel wealthy. My accomplishments I've made since graduating from high school and being on my own. To see I am providing my son with everything I missed out on as a kid makes me feel wealthy. Making people laugh till their face hurts makes me feel wealthy.

as someone who moved every two to three years, for no real reason, change is the one constant in my life. as many times as i've done it, it has always remained painful and difficult. making new friends, going to a new school, etc.. as i got older, had my son, the one promise i made was that he would not have to move as much. he has, but always for the better. he has changed classes and school since he is in advanced classes. from experiencing the difficulty of changing schools and needing to make new friends i was able to help him with that transition. i appreciate the experience now. it has prepared me for the future - working with new groups of people for every new project. i have also learned that if you fear the change it will make it that much more difficult to get through. you're putting up a block and stressing yourself out even more. changes happen for a reason and while we might not realize it at the time, if we really look back and reflect we can observe our growth through those changes.  and it may take several years, several tries, before seeing this growth but eventually it will click.

only one or two questions? hmmm.. tricky.
1 - why is it i keep throwing myself into sticky situations only to end up saying "i learned my lesson and won't do it again", just to do it again. i want to get out of all the sticky situations and then start over and that's the end of stickiness
2 - why do people have to suffer - with ailments, starvation, poverty, etc... with all the money out there why aren't people always willing to share? why isn't everyone volunteering to help others out?

this is going to sound silly but at work. i work with an awesome set of people in a construction trailer. i know they accept me no matter what i look like, how moody i might be. they have been there for me through thick and thin even when some of my own family hasn't. i wish i could adopt all of them and make them my family.

i remember about 80% of my dreams. some are more vivid and if i don't think about the ones that aren't they seem to fade out of my memory. i have one reoccuring dream of me drowning in the gulf. i can bring this dream up anytime, day or night. it's the only dream that disturbs me the most. i have tried to figure out what it means, especially since i am a great swimmer.
i occasionally have horrible nightmares and can't manage to wake myself up or direct myself out of the dream into another.
do i pay attention to my dreams? at one point in my life i did. then i came to the conclusion that if i were to ignore them then i wouldn't look for "coincidences" and parallel's in my life. a friend recently told me i should. i'm not sure i have that option anymore. i think i pushed it way deep down. if i can retrain myself i think i would start paying attention to them again. maybe, just maybe, i can prevent something.

healing has several meaning to me.
1 - when i was going through chemo, healing meant making sure my spirit was in good standing, strong enough to get me through. in order to heal that i laughed. i made fun of my situation. healing at that time in my life meant not giving up and allowing my spirit and body to prepare for the next roung of chemo.
2 - healing after chemo means being able to acknowledge i faced cancer and survived. being able to look back and see the accomplishment.
3 - healing also means being able to tell my son everything is going to be okay - no matter what situation we are in, apart or together. i have to heal his soul and calm it down - healing it and putting it at ease.
4 - healing means getting rid of all of the bad things - in your mind, in your body, in your heart, and being fresh, cleansed, and relaxed. clearing.

in my dreams it is. i hide from my mind. my mind has not yet been trained to be my safe haven. i have too many years of self-abuse, worrying, nervousness, and other junk that needs to be cleared. that is one of my goals - being comfortable alone with my mind. maybe then i'd enjoy my own company more often. : )